Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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