I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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