Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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