i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
