So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i came on her dog
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
