I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Less talking, more tequila
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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