So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
