Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
