So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
