Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
where are my eyebrows?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
