guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
