No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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