On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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