i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We talked him into tasing himself.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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