Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
