we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
