god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
