Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
