Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
