i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
