so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
