So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
