420 ftw
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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