I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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