I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
