The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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