Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
