the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
