I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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