i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
