Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
