the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
