He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
