he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
