What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
