bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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