We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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