I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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