look no pants
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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