it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
