I hate all girls vehemently.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
