Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
