Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
