Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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