Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
