I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
