Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
