I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
