It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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