she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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