NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
