that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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