I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
