Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
