I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
