I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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